transfeminism

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Hi! I'm relatively new to any form of online discussion board/blog/livefeed kind of thing, but despite being a part of my local LGBTQ community, I've been feeling like I need some outside advice or answers or support or anything really.

Um, so I've been working on a zine with a couple friends and it has pushed me to question things about my gender that I had never really let myself think about on a personal level. I have always identified as a "girl," and been satisfied with it because I grew up in a super liberal, relaxed environment where the issues presented by gender norms- in dress, behavior, opportunity, hobbies, etc.- were never a relevent problem in my life. I mean, I grew up wearing "boys clothes," skate boarding, being dirty, not wearing shoes, being "unpresentable" and not giving a shit (often called being a tomboy,) and it was never questioned, and it never presented a challenge to my gender identity. I was totally happy being a girl, as long as it meant being able to act the way I wanted.

Until, about a month ago I began questioning how happy I really was, and after a while I realized that something didn't fit, and the minute I let myself imagine my body as the physical manifestation of my mind, I was completely jolted. I realized that in my head, I was not a gendered person. I was just me. And I'm sure a lot of people see themselves that way- maybe until they further explore that claim? But I thought about it a lot, and when I couldn't find a gender anywhere, I was terrified.

I have watched a lot of vlogs and heard about a lot of experiences from the trans community that present "being transgendered" as "being stuck in the wrong body" and I identify with feeling like my body doesn't fit. But I do not identify with feeling stuck in the body of the opposite sex. I am not a male trapped in a female body. I simply do not want my body to hinder the gender-less self identification I feel comfortable with.

So hopefully by now your brain has triggered the word "genderqueer." Yes? Maybe? I don't know.
At first I thought my entire feminist identity had been shattered when I came out as genderqueer. Because all of the sudden my thoughts had begun contradicting years and years of actively fighting with and relating to and supporting my feminist community. But I know how I feel, and I know that feminism can be included because it is so deeply important to me and to my developing gender identity.

I'm just wondering if there are more people who have run across similar constraints/questions within the community? (I'd also like to add that I'm still in high school-i'll be going to PCC next fall- and even though I have a fair amount of experience within Portland's lesbian community, I feel particularly uneducated when it comes to the trans community. I'm trying to correct that, so sorry if my story sounds redundant or juvenile or anything...)

Thank you!